I’ve been writing this blog post in my head for the last few weeks, and I’ve been nervous to do it because I’m been scared that it was going to come across the wrong way or be judged or misinterpreted (not to mention it’s incredibly personal and embarrassing on some level), but I think the message is important, so here goes nothing.
I was thinking about the beginning of last spring/summer. I was about 18 lbs heavier than I am now. I had fallen into some bad patterns that involved too much wine (not to mention nachos and margs) and eating toddler leftovers. Once I start into these bad patterns, it’s really easy to let it spiral. At the time, I had two 3 year olds and a 7 month old, and live in Charleston where it’s hot as shit. It’s so hot that on most days it’s unbearable to go to the playground. If you want to be outside, the beach or the pool are the only options. Getting in the pool is definitely not optional. My children are too young to be in the pool without me. If they are in the pool, so am I. So there is no option to sit around hanging out in a cute cover-up like I’ve been able to do so many times in my non-mommy life. So, I spent the first half of the summer carefully placing towels right next to the pool edge, so I could cover myself up IMMEDIATELY upon exiting or taking off my cover up and seeing how fast I could get myself into the pool and covered up by the water. If one of my kids had to go potty, they would have to wait for me to careful wrap a towel around myself just so I can walk to the bathroom. I realize that these are my own fucked up issues, but I also think that I’m not alone.
I started this program in June and feel like I got control over my life. With hardly any sacrifices, I was able to find the balance between nutrition and exercise and living a normal, fun life. I lost 9 lbs in my first round, and the difference in my life was way more than 9 lbs. For the first time all summer, I could be present with my kids who just wanted to have fun at the pool. I was able to stop thinking about MYSELF and my body and creating stories in my head about what other people were saying, and BE PRESENT with my time with my sweet girls. The pool is their favorite place in the whole world, and I WAS FUCKING MISSING IT! Missing the fun, missing this special time with them, because I was too busy in my own fucked up head worried that someone might take a picture and I may or may not make an appearance in the background. This actually brings me to tears as I write this, because it’s just sad…sad that I let those months go by feeling like that and didn’t do anything about it. Sad that my head was in that place to begin with when I have these three incredible little girls who are growing up way to fast that need their mama! It also makes me cry because I’m really proud of how far I’ve come. This time is way too precious and fleeting for that bullshit. I deserve better and they deserve better. Not to mention the fact that THEY ARE WATCHING (which could be an entirely different post).
Now this is where I was hesitant about posting this. This is NOT a “let’s get ready for bikini season” post. This is NOT a post about getting fit or skinny or having a six pack. This IS a “let’s feel good in our skin and strong and and confident so that we don’t have to miss the fun with our children at the pool and the beach and enjoy our lives” post. My hope is that I’m in the extreme minority here, and that most people are not fucked up the way that I am and can chase toddlers in a bathing suit without a thought in the world. I hope that most moms feel incredible no matter what size or shape or scars they have on their bodies from these little miracles that we created from scratch. I hope that we can all get over ourselves and just enjoy our time with our families and not look back at this time and wonder why we aren’t in any pictures. The message is to BE PRESENT, GET OVER YOUR DAMN SELF AND ENJOY THIS TIME! I wish I could have just shifted my mindset, but I was in a place where I had to get control of my life through fitness and nutrition in order to make this shift. And because of that, I’ll be rocking my stretch marks and cellulite all summer long without a care in the world about what other people think. This body is strong and this body can do AMAZING things, and I may not be in the size jeans I always dreamed of, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come and I’m not gonna miss another fucking minute.