I’m on a plane heading home from our first real vacation (sans babies) in Aruba. We had an incredible time. I needed a little break and this getaway was timed perfectly. I feel relaxed and recharged.
I’ve been working on finding a little more balance in my life. Riley and Quinn are absolutely the most important thing in my life, but it’s easy to get wrapped up in being a stay at home mom and start to lose your own identity. That’s a big reason that I decided to re-enter the fitness world, and a reason that we knew it was time to go on vacay. Leaving the girls was way harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought I was ready for it, but there were a lot of tears shed about missing 5 days with them. Now that it’s over, it was the right decision for everyone. It’s only 5 days of their whole life. It’s good for me to have a little breathing room, and it’s good for them to be without us for a few days. (They’ve been having the time of their lives with their grandparents and a friend of mine).
I’ve struggled with anxiety since I’ve had the girls, and I’ve turned into a COMPLETE control freak. So, leaving the girls for 5 days is a big deal. As my friend and yoga teacher Jolee says, “perfection kills joy”. I spent a lot of time trying to be the “perfect mom” staying on the “perfect schedule” and handling the complete and utter chaos of having twins “perfectly”. Some of this perfectionist behavior is the reason this whole twin operation has been a success, but some of it is complete, unnecessary bullshit, and the reason that I ended up with shingles back in March. That was a a wake up call that the pressure I was putting on myself was making me sick.
Ever since then, I take every situation for what it is. I’m focusing on the joy part and less on the whole perfection thing. Is it ideal if my kid is eating sand in the sandbox at the playground? No. Is it worth getting shingles? Fuck no. Is it fun when one of my kids is the only one crying and whining during a play date? No. Is it worth getting shingles? Fuck no. I’m working on letting that shit go and moving on! Luckily, I have some amazing, non-judging mommy friends that keep me in check. We keep each other in check.
This has been such a transitional time in my relationships too. I’ve had to identify the people who bring me joy and nurture those relationships and let go of the relationships that feed my anxiety. That part has been sad, but necessary.
So, I guess the point is that I’m working on letting go. I just let go of control of all of it for the last 5 days and it feels amazing. I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but I know it’s good for everyone involved that I did.
Now I’m on the plane counting the minutes until I get to see my little loves. Hopefully taking care of myself and recharging for the last 5 days will result in me being a better mommy, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc.